Most people will tell you that Tom Hanks is one of the most lovable people in Hollywood. I am here to tell you that he’s not. OR at least he’s not anymore.

See back in the day, Tom Hanks was awesome.

In the 90s he literally couldn’t miss.

• Big (1989)
• A League of Their Own (1992)
• Philadelphia (1993)
• Forrest Gump (1994)
• Apollo 13 (1995)
• That Thing You Do! (1996)
• Saving Private Ryan (1998)
• You’ve Got Mail (1998)
• The Green Mile (1999)
• Cast Away (2000)

Boom. Year after the year, hit after the hit. The guy was putting out absolute bangers, across all genres — Comedy, RomCom, Drama, War. And he was good at it all.

But that’s the Tom Hanks I think we all still have in our minds.

He peaked. And I know all about that because I was captain of a high school foot ball state championship team.

“What are you talking about? He’s had so many great movies since then. He’s still a great actor. He’s still so kind and funny.”

Yeah? Well what have you done for me lately, Tom.

Look at his track record post 2000:

The Terminal. A slog of a movie that I am guessing 90% of you haven’t seen.

The DaVinci Code. Have you ever watched this more than once? The only thing worse than the movie itself is Tom Hanks’ hairpiece in the movie.

Charlie Wilson’s War. Larry Crowne. Saving Mr. Banks. The Post. Not bad movies, but you’re going to look me dead in the eye and tell me how much you fucking love Larry Crowne?

People raaaaaved about his performances as Captain Phillips and Mr. Rogers — and they’re solid movies — but the ‘acting’ being done is just Tom Hanks’ using a funny accent.

It’s not just his movie performances though. His persona changed.

Hanks was once a once young, charming, and charismatic actor. And now he’s a smug, self-righteous hack. You can’t tell me in his thoroughly scripted appearances and interviews that he doesn’t give off holier-than-thou vibes.

But I guess that’s what happens when you reach the pinnacle of your trade.

People will tell you that they still love Tom Hanks, but I think what they love is the idea of Tom Hanks. They love the goofy, curly headed version from the 90s that they remember.

He’s like a beloved racehorse that won a lot of races back in the day. You trot him out there now and everyone cheers because everyone remembers the great races and all the wins. But deep down everyone feels sad because that’s not the same horse anymore.

And that brings us today…

Look. I haven’t seen the new Elvis film yet, but I’ve heard the murmurs about Hank’s performance.

Here’s an excerpt from Indiewire.com that I think sums it up pretty well:

“Tom Hanks in a ‘true-true’ performance defined by a fat suit, a fake nose, and an accent that I can only describe as the ‘Kentucky Fried Goldmember’ is possibly the most insufferable movie character ever conceived.”

Hey, maybe that’s the point. Maybe despite all the horrible and grotesque prosthetics that make him look like a multiverse-version of The Penguin from Tim Burton’s Batman, Hanks plays this one spot on.

But I don’t know if I can stomach it.

Look, Tom Hanks seems like he could be a great guy (as long as those rumors aren’t true about him being on those Jeffrey Epstein flight logs).

The truth is though, at some point all our heroes die.

And when the day comes that that former beauty of a racehorse falls down and is riving and retching because his body (and talent) is giving out on him — sometimes you got to put that pony out of his misery and move on.

We’ll always remember the glory days though.