Kavanaugh Aborts Dinner Plans

News broke this weekend in DC when Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh had his supper ruined by abortion rights activists who took to the streets to protest his vote to overturn women’s human rights dinner plans.

Now my first thought when I head this was of course the logical: “I wonder what restaurant he was eating at.”

In a simpler world, I would like to think of Kavanaugh as a Golden Corral man — it’s pretty much considered the cornerstone of America fine-dining, and I feel like I could picture him back in the day wearing a funny Hawaiian shirt sitting in their dimly lit mess hall helping himself to a second-serving of their sweet corn pudding.

“I give the homestlye meatloaf two thumbs up”

I think the biggest miscalculation to this thought though is that if Kavanaugh visited the Corral this past weekend following the overturning of Roe v. Wade, the patrons probably wouldn’t have ran him out of the building.

Rather given what I know about the Golden Corral demo in some areas, they might have lifted him on their shoulders and paraded him around the restaurant like he just made the game-winning bucket for his all-white high school basketball team to win the state championship against their urban crosstown rivals.

They’d carry him over to the chocolate waterfall for a celebratory finger dip, and he’d be so overcome with excitement that he’d dive in head first Augustus Gloop-style and start splashing everyone to the sound of raucous laughter.

Just a joyous celebration.

But I digress. It’s a funny thought, but Kavanaugh definitely isn’t the type of guy these days to dine at a Golden Corral buffet — you know, because how much he hates freedom of choice?

In reality it turns out Kavanaugh is more of an upscale steakhouse man, as the events from this week actually took place at Morton’s Steakhouse.

So many other questions come to mind when hearing about this dinner though.

First off: WHY?

Like why a week after possibly one of the most controversial Supreme Court rulings in recent memory, are you going out for a lovely dinner downtown?

He had to know if someone recognized him that he was more than likely going to take some serious heat. But he does it anyway?

Was it a victory lap? A little celebration? A orchestrated plot to goad protesters into ruining his date so he could play the victim?

Look, I don’t expect Supreme Court justices to stop living their lives and remove themselves from society completely — but maybe let this one breathe a bit, brother?

Second: THE RESERVATION

Do Supreme Court justices make their own dinner reservations? Probably not. But Kavanaugh hasn’t been on the Supreme Court for that long, so maybe he is still handling his own rezi.

But in this situation when you call you gotta use a fake name, right? Maybe put it under a friend’s name? Tom? PJ? Squee?

Or maybe Kavanaugh just bit the bullet — I mean Morton’s probably does need some kind of heads up when someone like this is coming to dine.

But were there any reservations about the reservation?

Third: THE MEAL

What do you order after overruling a fundamental constitutional protection for women in the United States?

You go all out. 24 oz. prime porterhouse, rare of course. $72.50 for about 1620 calories of juicy goodness. Loaded baked potato on the side. And of course — because I know Kavanaugh — a couple brewskis.

Finally: THE ESCAPE

When it got to the point where things were getting testy, when the mob started calling for his head — who plotted the escape?

Was this Morton’s idea? Did he pull his coat over his head like a criminal leaving court? Who drove the escape car?

Honestly big time coward move not facing the crowd.

This is what Kavanaugh wanted, right? He won with the overruling, so now he’s got to own that. Like TOTALLY own it.

I would have loved for him to lean into the wrestling heel persona actually. Go outside, taunt the crowd a little bit. Maybe a little ‘I Can’t Hear You’ gesture to the boos, and then top it off with a little DX ‘Suck It’ move to the crotch.

Would respect him a lot more for a move like that.

Anyways, real damn shame Kavanaugh feels like he can no longer go out to eat in DC. The downtown Applebee’s is going to take a major financial hit when him and Gorsuch stop coming in for the 2 for $20.

I think we’ve learned something important from all this though.

Brett Kavanaugh: Against safe abortions. Supports aborting dinner plans.

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